Good evening everybody.
As I stood in front of our graduating class this morning, something hit me… I’ve never seen half of you before, and don’t know the names of the remaining three quarters. That leaves the only 1/8th (for those of you who failed algebra) of our class, most of whom, I know and love. My first reaction was that my worst fears have been realized… that Scientology has infiltrated our graduating class in attempt to turn all of us, even the females, in to Tom Cruise. Thankfully, Mr. Finnochi assured me this was not the case and that you all belong here.
Understandably, I was in a pickle this afternoon as I was trying to write something that would appeal to the ENTIRE class, half of which I didn’t know existed till a few hours ago. But soon it hit me, everybody has had problems at Cross these past four years, even me, the epitome of perfection, so perfect that I’m often asked that if I’m human or not. Most of these problems range from getting yelled at by Mrs. Sherban Cline for being in the hallway during class time, to getting suspended by Mrs. Sherban Cline after she found out that you don’t have a pass. Note: I only had experience with the former and the SECOND part of the latter. On a more serious note, not that my previous statement wasn’t serious, we’ve had a lot to deal with these past few years at Cross, especially this year, with college application and/or job hunting while making sure all your graduation requirements are met.You’ve no doubt also had to deal with problems at home involving angry parents, relatives, friends, and dead pets. I know your parents and teachers are proud of you for making it this far, and you should be proud of yourself, so you can give yourself a big hug at this moment if you wish….
Since you’ll probably run in to another problem or two during the rest of the 59.8 years of your life(assuming that you’re exactly 18 and the Centers for Disease Control did not lie to me) I think it will be appropriate to share how I have dealt with problems. But, since we were on the topic of angry dead pets I have an interesting story that I’d like to share first.
Many years ago, when my paternal instincts were still strong, I decided to adopt a grass hopper that I found on a trip one day. I fixed it in a comfy home, consisting of clear plastic floppy disk holder(remember those?), about the volume of two fists. At first it seemed to be very excited to be in its new home, frantically jumping about but hitting itself on the top and sides. Soon it wouldn’t jump anymore, and I thought to myself, why would it need to remember how to jump now that I’ve provided it a safe and hospitable shelter? It can stay in my manmade box forever. I would delicately pluck the finest blades of grass from my yard and slide it in to MY grasshopper’s new home, and check on it every few hours, flicking the box to encourage it to move and do what grasshoppers do. But one fateful morning, not even a week after I undertook this great responsibility, when I woke up early to play with my grasshopper by flicking the side of the box, it did not move; I gave up on pets ever since.
Anyways, I hope you enjoyed that story for what it was, because it wasn’t an allusion or anything like that, nope…
Well, sorry for the digression, let’s get back to the main objective of this speech. I don’t claim to have the magic bullet to shoot problems with… but I have it, and it is simple, ask for help… and make it someone else’s problem, after all, sharing is caring. But remember that every person in this world is human like you, including Mrs. Coggins and me. We get angry when you call us names, disappointed when you break promises and cry when a bunny dies, although Mr. Picket seems to be more resilient to this. He has been disrespected on many occasions, has dealt with many broken promises and has had many rabbits die in his presence, yet rarely responds in an overly emotional manner.
Anyways, I’d like to give credit to, a few, ok fine, a lot of adults, all of whom are the reason that I’m standing here today. So sit tight. There is no significant order in this list, just the most important to the least important.
I’d first like to thank Principle O’Connor, and Canneli because without their help and support I’d probably would have been enriching the lives of the students in the Hillhouse Class of 2008for the past four years, since I was originally assigned to attend Hillhouse. Mrs. Coggins also deserves a hand for running the school like a jail this year, although I do miss the fights…
I could not have made it through this year without my two favorite guidance counselors, Mr. Finnochi for helping me get in to college, which was considered by many to be impossible, and Mr. Calarco for beings there when I wanted to change classes to be with my friends, just kidding.
I’d also like to thank all my teachers for sticking with me these four years, because you all know that I can be one bad student. More specifically, I’d like to thank Mrs. Kilburn for letting me do her job. Mrs. Powell for encouraging me to take every Advance Placement test the Collegeboard offers and along with Mrs. Townsend allow me to show up all the Yalie’s who think they are so smart(Sorry Shira, nothing personal). Â Mr. O’Connor for putting up with me for three years as a student and a member of the tennis team, although I do believe that he may have developed ulcers as a result. I’d also like to thank Mr. Kafoglis for being a coach, teacher, client and friend to me for more than four years, and similarly Mr. Pickett, or Matt for putting up with my shenanigans and being a pal even though he found me to be a disappointment. Mr. O’Shea and Mr. Sawchuck are further evidence that teachers can be quirky and fun when you get to know them. Mrs. I’d like to thank Mrs. Saddick Brown for showing me what tough love means, Ms. Rod and Ms. Bright for showing me what unconditional love means, by the way, I prefer the latter. I’d like to thank Mrs. Sasso for teaching me the invaluable lesson that procrastination is a B, although I don’t think I’m quite ready to learn yet, evident in the fact that I finished writing this speech less than an hour ago. I’d also like to thank Mrs. G and Mrs. Fuorri for just being nice.
Coach Verderan and Miller have both my thanks and respect for leading the track and soccer team, keeping us working hard and motivated. Mr. Babbs and Mr. Jarvis also deserve thanks for supporting the soccer team, well Mr. Jarvis had to because he was the athletics director, but the fact that he was willing to drive me to East Haven from school in the rain for a game proves his dedication.
Second to last of all, I like to thank my parents, who let me live in their house, eat their food, spend their money and poop in their toilets.
Last of all, I’d like to thank you guys, for starting the lunch room fights to entertain me, pulling the fire alarms to get me out of class and keeping the school administration from implementing too many rules. So I want you to look to your left and right
If I’m missing anyone, please holler now and I’ll make up something nice about you.
No one? Ok… Moving on…
I know you guys would like me to hear me talk through the night, but all good things have to come to an end. Therefore, I will leave you with the obligatory quote that you’re going to forget tomorrow morning after the partying… I won’t be offended. It was said by a very wise and respected man who shall not be named and goes as follows… “You don’t look up truthiness in a book, you look it up in your gut”. If it has brought George Bush this far, I’m sure it’ll work wonders for you.
Congratulations on making the Wilbur Cross class of 2008, and I hope you will live happily and reproductively for the next 59.8 years.